Idioms From An Idiot

Many expressions in the English language are baffling. People say one thing when they mean something else, completely unrelated. However, do not fret. I, the Master of All Knowledgeable Things Ever, shall explain to you the meanings to commonly misunderstood figures of speech to enlighten your mind.

BUTTERFLIES IN ONE’S STOMACH

            This idiom is quite puzzling. Most humans do not consume these flamboyant winged insects of their own free will. The expression, “to have butterflies in your stomach,” clearly means you are not in your right mind. You are either being blackmailed by a dangerous master criminal who will hurt those you love if you do not comply to consuming butterflies daily, or you are desperate because conventional medicinal techniques have not alleviated your chronic indigestion, or you are blind and therefore unaware of the fact that you have managed to swallow several butterflies while breathing. Either way, it is best to stay away from those who have butterflies imprisoned in their intestines.

WHITE ELEPHANT

            The image of the white elephant is both perplexing and admittedly pale in color. This phrase originated among the people of an ancient society, called the Loxodontas. They believe that the elephant is the symbol of grace and perfection. Each member of the Loxodontan society receives an elephant figurine at birth. As they progress through the levels of full initiation, their elephant is painted or recolored to represent each level of maturity. Passing through many colors, such as lavender, chartreuse, spiceberry, periwinkle, and gingerline, the highest stage of elephant enlightenment is finally reached at white. Therefore, in today’s world, receiving a “white elephant” from someone means that they highly value your intellect and spiritual capacity, just as the Loxodontan chiefs of old.

BREAK A LEG

The expression “break a leg” is commonly used to wish a person luck in an endeavor that they are about to undertake. It is a little known fact that this phrase originated in the days of the Great War of the Bees (circa 3000 BCE), where all human males of fighting age from all civilized societies around the world were called to arms to defeat the massive swarms of bees that were invading their homes in this world-wide pandemic. Fighting conditions were atrocious, as nearly every soldier was stung several times a day. Soldiers had to be in a state of perfect mental and physical health before they could be drafted for direct service. Many families dreaded to have their loved ones endure such suffering, so they intentionally broke the legs of their soldier candidates before sending them off to be inspected at their local town hall. This was a wish of good luck, so that the poor men would not have to face the wrath of bees every day of their lives for several years. If someone in today’s world tells you to break a leg, it means that you should maim your family members’ legs for your noble, pacifist ideals.

HIT THE ROAD

            At first, it may seem silly that a person would desire to strike the asphalt beneath which human beings drive their cars innocently every day. Fortunately, I am here to educate the unsophisticated masses. Unbeknownst to the public, the United States government has buried thousands of puppies beneath public highways all across the country. Animal lovers from all over the world flock to roads in order to claim a young canine pet for their own. Sadly, they are all considered to be bonkers, as critics claim there is no way for the young pups to survive so long without human contact or a basic daily nutrition source. Nevertheless, those who still believe say that they shall “hit the road” when they return to their never-ending task of searching for those puppies.

TAKE THE CAKE

            Does this cake look delicious? That’s exactly what those who “take the cake” think too. The expression “take the cake” refers to someone who is a kleptomaniac, but only for edible items. Whenever he or she sees a delicious-looking food, he or she cannot help but steal it. Cake-stealing is a serious medical condition. Those who take cakes on a regular basis can only be corrected through therapy and medication to lessen their impulsive thievery. However, cake thieves are not bad people. They often try to fight their instincts, but are simply unable to control themselves. Therefore, do not assume that cake thieves are bad people until you have met and shared a meal (maybe of cake?) with them.

            I know that this informative piece has been very informative in informing you about information. Now that you know how all these idioms should be correctly used, feel free to say them to your friends and family. Soon, you may even become a Master of All Knowledgeable Things Ever (just like me). Go out into the world now and wield your idioms proudly.

By: the Master of All Knowledgeable Things Ever